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Slivers and Snippets: From Missing Mark to Crazy Mullet Peg Leg Man

Saturday, August 05, 2006

From Missing Mark to Crazy Mullet Peg Leg Man

What if somebody read my blog, figured out where I live, figured out which house is mine, and broke in during the night just to kill me?

Well, it wouldn't ever happen. I could probably locate a crazy person, hand them a piece of paper with my address and sleeping hours on it, and they would say, "Why would I come to your house?"

But just in case, I haven't mentioned on here that my wonderful, sweet, handsome husband has been out of town for the last nine days and I MISS HIM. He is finally coming home tonight and I am so happy I could just spit.*

And not just cause I love him and all that crap. But because THIS DOG IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

Before we got the puppy, we (read: Mark) read a bunch of puppy books. Actually he's so cute that he'd been reading puppy books for months, before we even knew we were getting the Amazing Sammie from Poopville, because he knew I wanted to eventually get a dog and he wanted to be ready.** These books all told us that puppies go through a phase where they "lose their minds." Apparently it happens between the ages of 4 months to 8 months and lasts for about 30 days. I thought that was stupid. Can't be true. Whatever.

Then our trainer told us the same thing. My reaction was the same.

Then, and I can pinpoint the time exactly, Monday at 3:30, my dog lost her mind. She just STOPPED HAVING A BRAIN. Stopped coming when I call her. Stopped understanding any of the commands that she knows - Leave It, Take It, Wait... all gone. We went to obedience class on Tuesday night, and she wouldn't do anything. I would tell her to sit, I would show her the treat, I did everything that usually works, and she just stood there.

Sammie, if you're reading this, that was not cool, dog. Mommy was embarrassed.

But the trainer was cool about it, she just flat out told me, "Sammie has lost her mind. She will be back in a month or so." She also told me to try my hardest to train through the mind losing month, because apparently Sammie will come out the other side all the better for it. What she didn't mention is how having a puppy that has lost her mind makes for a JayAre that has lost her mind. Mark is desperately needed to stop the hair pulling, cheek-chewing and sobbing.

Another problem is my schedule - I work nights 3 or 4 times a week. Normally this is fine, because I put Sammie in her crate at 4:30, and then Mark comes home at 7:30 and takes her out back to play until she sleeps. But with Mark gone, Sammie stays in her crate until I get home, usually sometime between 10 and, oh, midnight. By then, all she wants to do in the entire world is run in circles, and occasionally bark. So I end up sitting out back with her***, watching her run in circles and chew up toys, until she gets tired and we can go to bed. I do not like this schedule very much. I desperately need Mark to come home and save me from HOURS spent in the backyard, in the dark, thinking that any minute a crazy person will come through my fence and kill me.

Oh, I should share with you why I worry about crazy people in my yard.

Once upon a time my friend Momo was over, and when she went to leave I walked her out to her car. As we were standing in my driveway, a man wearing some kind of 80's rock band t-shirt, denim shorts, with a mullet, and a peg leg (ok, a regular fake leg, but still), walked out from the side of my house. He had to have been coming from my backyard, as that is the only thing you can do on that side of the house. The neighbors have a solid fence up with no gate, and back then we just had an opening to the backyard. He just walked by us and down the street, like it was no big thing. Momo and I looked at each other, she ran to her car, I ran in my house, and we promptly called each other. Just after we started the "WTF!" conversation, Momo spotted a woman with a bad perm coming out from the side of my house. At this point I am freaking out and checking locks. But the woman also just went down the street.

After that day I started paying attention to my backyard a little more. And that mullet dude, he used it all the time! I saw him three more times cutting though our backyard! I can't even imagine how many times I didn't see him. Now, I kinda feel like I should let him, because from this neighborhood it is the fastest way to the main road, and he does have the peg leg, but dude, it's my yard! He also has to cut through the field of the guy behind me, but that guy is old and crazy too, so I doubt he cares.

So, eventually Mark and I decided we had had enough, so we built a gate for the side of the house. Now instead of two fence posts and an opening, there's a nice little gate someone would have to open. I thought surely that this would deter the peg leg mullet man from cutting through our yard.

It didn't. I have only seen him once more since then, and actually I saw him walking through my yard while I was driving down the main road past my house, coming home. I really need some pictures to illustrate how all this is possible. Basically, the back of our house faces the main street, with a field in between. You go down the main street, turn right twice, and then you get to the front of our house. Make sense? Anyway, by the time I got home he was gone.

So one night after Mark had left, I was out back watching the Amazing Sammie chew on a bone (fascinating!), when the gate rattled and she started barking and I started... well, shaking. It was probably just the wind, no one came through, but it scared me nonetheless. Now, I realize that if crazy mullet peg leg man wanted to kill me, he has had amble opportunity, what with the sneaking through the yard while I nap mid-day. But the idea of him back there while I'm back there still creeps me out.

So I went to Lowe's on Sunday and bought a padlock for the gate.

Now I kinda feel bad, cause his poor peg leg self has to walk all the way around to get to the street. But, the puppy has been barking less, so that makes me feel better.

And that is the story of why I can't wait for Mark to come home. It's convoluted, but true.

I thought about going to take pictures of my yard and fence, but then I remembered we desperately need to mow, so nevermind. Maybe I will see if I have any old pictures.

*I have SO been in Texas to long. Oh crap! Now my stalker will know which state I'm in!

**Mark had never had a pet before me (not that I am a pet, but that I bring pets). Well, that's not true. He had a strictly outdoor cat. But never an indoor pet and never a dog. SO FUNNY when we first got married and all the sudden there were three cats in his house.

***The back of our yard has mock-fencing - there's some chain link strung over some bars, but it's only strung on the top, so the bottom flaps open. The dog, or anyone, can walk right through it, essentially. So anytime she is out back, we have to be out back.

Should out back be one word? Outback? Like the restaurant? I just don't know.


I found some pictures, but BLOGGER SUCKS MY ASS and won't let my post them right now. I am so going to swtich to WordPress.


At 7:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Winston must have lost his mind a couple of weeks ago. I've been wanting to KILL him every time I take him on a walk. He'd better make it through soon or he might have to die... He's. Driving. Me. Nuts.


At 9:07 PM, Blogger JayAre said...

If it was a couple of weeks ago it should be coming back soon!

Did you get my text two weeks ago about Barb? She's gone. I think they fired her. The new girl is nice but she's no Barb.

Oh, I'm talking about Barb the dog trainer not Barb the waitress.

At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Jack said...

Junior, do you have any wierd symbols or spaces in your picture names? If so, rename them to something shorter and without the symbols and it might work better.

At 8:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened to Barb? I don't get it. She was great. I need details.


At 9:39 AM, Blogger JayAre said...

Jack - It doesn't have to do with that. It's just that sometimes it will post the picture, and sometimes it will pretend to post the picture. I secretly suspect it has something to do with when the most people are using Blogger.

Chels - We have no details. They told us that she left to pursue a better option. But it was so sudden, and we all think she wouldn't do that without telling us she was leaving. So we think she was fired for some reason. One time Mark and I saw her van at Target, so we decided that if we ever see her there again we will hunt her down and find out where she works now. Are you guys ever coming back to class?

At 7:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kevin decided that we're just too far behind now and we'll just have to retake the class at a later date. =( Saturdays were so much better for our schedule.


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