The Udder of The Cow

Check out how lame I am:

I carry a tiny spiral notebook around with when I'm at work. For months when I would I hear things, or be involved in conversations, I would think they would make great "snippets" for this blog. But I could never remember them. So I started carrying the notebook around to jot things down in.

In my defense, it is a pretty cute notebook - it's blue and orange and says "I got your mom's digits" on the cover. Cause, you know, that's how I roll.

And don't doubt it. I DO have your mom's digits.

Anyway, for a while now I've been jotting stuff down in there, but I never seem to get around to posting any of them. So now I've decided to do one giant, annoying, somewhat boring-if-you-weren't-there post with all the snippets.

So here we go. Read at your own risk.
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(Brittany is telling a story about eating out with her boyfriend - Brit is white and he is black.) "I couldn't decide if I wanted dessert, and I actually said to the waiter, 'Well, I'm gonna have chocolate now or I'm gonna have chocolate later...'"

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JR, "Yeah, so this website said the song that was #1 the day I turned 18 was something by Celine Dion. That's supposed to be my life theme! That sucks!"

Tyrone, "I wonder what my life theme song is."

Chrissy, "Tub Thumping."

Tyrone, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

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Once Chrissy and I had a conversation regarding mating her Yorkie with my Dane. I can't possibly relate all of it here, but I will say it involved phrases like, "Well, if we held up his back legs..." And "What if he got sucked into the Gi-gina?!?!?!"*

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"I smell popcorn."

"They made some in the back."

"And it's not for me?"

"No."

"Well, that's fucked up! I'm fucking hungry!"

"Um, I think it's for the kid in the bar."

"Oh. Now I feel bad." (Not so bad that she didn't stare longingly at the kid while it ate the popcorn.)

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"What are you going to major in?"

"Anthropology."

"OH! Have you ever been in that store? I love that place!" (Sometimes it all becomes clear to me why we are waiters.)

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"Those people were not good tippers."

"I think they're docents at the museum."

"Well, docents can't tip for shit!"

"They work for charity."

"They should give me charity! I got costs!"

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A woman told me that the ice cream I served her was the "udder of the cow." I have no idea what that means, but she ate it all.

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Overheard in the drink pick-up window - "Oh wait! Can you put some olive juice in that martini? I didn't put it in that way cause he said 'Just a tad dirty' and I don't have time for that kind of bullshit."

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This woman had ordered some lemons and a straw from me, but on my way back to the table I dropped the straw. So I said, right to her face, "Here's the lemons but I dropped the straw so I'll have to go back and get you another one.. She said, "Great..." Then she paused for a moment, stared blankly at me, and said, "Um, can I get a straw?"

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Okay, this one is a bit longer. I was waiting on a table of the trashiest people ever. They were so obnoxious it was hard for me to keep the smile on my face. The dad was rude to me the whole night, but the worst came when I delivered his crabcakes.

Man: "Do these come with green soap?"

Me: "Huh?"

Man: "Green soap!"

Me: "I don't know what you mean. But let me get you another drink." I turn and walk away, and notice him motioning to another server, Sheila, to come over. When I get back to the table Sheila is standing there smiling, but looking uncomfortable.

Me: "What's up?"

Sheila leans over and whispers to me, "Green soap is what you use when you have genital crabs!"

I look at the man. "It's interesting you would know that, sir."

Man: "That's why I can't believe you don't know!"

Bastard.

On that same night, the guy at the table next to him, who was out with his wife, grabbed my ass. Actually, he patted my back and then worked his way down. Classy. When I was telling Boss about that in the back, he told me I should spend $90 on a fancy g-string and make me some money. I told him, "Dude, I'm a big girl. I'd have to spend $180."

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And my favorite random quote of all - "I'm surprised my armpits glands didn't die!"

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Most of these things seemed much funnier when they were happening then they do now that I see them in print. But I have nothing else to blog about right now, so I'm posting this anyway. Sorry.

*Gi-gina is the nickname we gave to the Amazing Sammie From Poopville's private area. Because it is GIant.